Everything in our life is about making choices. We cannot control every event that occurs, but we can always decide how we will respond to it. Even when the situation is bleak and we feel that life is being done to us, we still have the ability to choose our response to it.
I think the mistake comes in thinking we should have the ability to control all aspects of our life at all times. This is unrealistic at best, and dangerous at worst. This focuses too much on what we get to do, and not on what responsibilities are inherent in what we do. Consider if we got to decide everything about all aspects of our life. If that were true, then when one of our decisions leads to an effect we did not anticipate or did not like, our ability to control our life should also allow us to easily change that effect into something we like… which could then result in another unintended consequence… and so on.
Our whole life would become one big reaction to the decisions we made we did not like – and in reality we would no longer have control. We would just be responding to the situation we created. In discussions on other blogs I have run across people whose argument pretty much runs along the lines “government is bad” and therefore the only good government is no government. In and of itself this may not necessarily be false, and I do not want to comment on this particular argument. What I want to say is that the people who tend to promote this view do so from the perspective that government controls too much of our lives and they want complete control over their lives. Complete control is a figment at best.
So if it is not about complete control, what is it about? While I am not a christian any longer, the Serenity prayer articulates the basic premise (I edited the first word out since I do not believe in god):
“… grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
The second notion about changing the things we can is only part of our ability to choose. The first notion is often lost; “accept the things I cannot change.” This too is a choice. Every minute of every day we are engaged in the making of choices. Many we do at such a subconscious level we are not even aware of it. Will I turn left or go straight at the next light? Will I take a sip of coffee before the light turns green or after I start driving? Will I turn the radio station right now because I only half like the song on or will I wait until I hear the next one? Will I stand here and listen to my boss chew me out because I need this job or will I tell him I quit? Everything we do is a choice.
But with each choice comes a consequence. If I turn left maybe I’ll be early to work and if I go straight I will end up in a car accident that leaves me paralyzed. If I sip coffee before the green light maybe I won’t change the channel and hear that the road ahead is closed. If I listen to my boss and hear his concerns maybe I will act on it and earn a better position in the company, or I quit and find no work leaving me homeless and divorced because my wife leaves me. Admittedly these are probably gross exaggerations of our many subtle decisions, but the truth is… we don’t know. Once we have made a choice, we must accept the consequence and decide how we choose to respond to it. We cannot go back and have a “do over” to see how else it would turn out.
That is where the last part of the Serenity prayer comes in. Wisdom to know the difference. I would add that wisdom includes recognizing that with each and every choice comes a responsibility to accept the consequence(s). We can choose not to accept the consequence (why else would someone sue a fast food restaurant for providing hot coffee that then spilled on them when they were driving), but that will lead to other consequences. What separates us from lower beings in my mind is the ability to step aside and look at the situation and not merely react – which is just a subconscious choice. I can choose to flip off the driver who just cut me off, or I can think to myself that I have probably done the same on occasion, and I may have felt my reasons were justified at the time. Maybe flipping them off would make me feel better – or maybe they are on the thin line before road rage sets in and seeing that middle finger shuts down all higher thinking skills and they try to run me off the road. Who knows?
This philosophy does not mean that I do not act when I feel something is wrong. It does not make me a whipping boy who only takes what is fed to me. It just means that I think before I make a choice, and I am willing to take responsibility for what I ultimately choose.